made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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