Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
