living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
