life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
