when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
