I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
