i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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