Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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