my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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