We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
