On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
