walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
