Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
