Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
