He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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