who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
