I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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