They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
