Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
