I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
