Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
