i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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