Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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