Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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