And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
