I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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