wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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