well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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