i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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