So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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