Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
