somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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