You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
