No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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