Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
