the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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