Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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