One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
