nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
