omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
