I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
