i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
