Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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