Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We have started to decorate penises.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
