Your face is a jimmy john
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
