I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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