Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
