Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Soap is not a condiment
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
