Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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