You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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