I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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