just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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