The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
