if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
