Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
