I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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