She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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