Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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