new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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