Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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