I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was confusing and full of hummus
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
