wanna go halves on a baby?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
