I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
