Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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