I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my shit smells like andre
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
