Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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