He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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